My Recent Struggle In Programming

Recently, I’m finding out that a beginner learns fast in programming,but for a junior programmer, it’s actually hard to go step further. Sometimes, when facing a problem that is so hard for me, I became so anxious to know the answer, thus my would keep stressed mentally and physically for hours. If I found out the answer, I got relaxed, and thought these suffering worth, but if I can’t find out the answer, I would lose confidence, and sometimes doubting if I’m really suitable to become a great programmer.

I know I’m too stressed with things that I can’t give an answer, and a career in programming must go through much more progress which is frustrating when no solution can be found. But for me, it’s like a nature reaction to get stressed when facing things I can’t handle, I felt that tension is building up in my body, but simply can’t release it, because the more I want to get relaxed, the more stressful it became. This is the thing that really destroying my health and inner passion, I really want to figure out a way to make a change.

I think this is a very common problem in many fields. Recently, I’m working on Chopin’s Etude in E Major (Tristesse), it’s a beautiful piece. I enjoy the A part (it’s a form in A-B-A) the most, it’s slow, melodic, elegant. But I struggled much with the B part, which is the full of passages of tritones. It’s quite hard to recognize the score, but the hardest part for me is that it does not sound pleasure because tritones are building long passage of tension, it’s really struggle to endure the unpleasant sound when practicing. But I can’t just leave B part, only play A part, because it’s an entity that related with each other.

Actually, for me, when I decided exercise one music piece, I really don’t like these passages built up with demon chords. I end out spending too much time practicing these passages, and sometimes it dried out my confidence in continuing practicing this piece.

So, the problem is we love programming, there are pleasant parts and unpleasant parts, when we spend too much time on the unpleasant part, we became hard to go step further and lose confidence. The problem is unpleasant parts are unavoidable, and sometimes incredibly important, how can we reduce pain when we working on it ?

One week trying improvisation

This week I’m trying simle improvisation following instructions of Youtube video, it’s really interesting because unlike normal composing, I don’t have to care about writing scores, all it focuses on is the moment. The idea of living in this moment sounds like Zen, and I really want to develop that lifestyle.

At first two days, I tried to focus on the melody part, it’s hard at first, because I’m always trying to make the melody sadder and sadder, considering my loneliness recently.

Then the third day, after watching Youtube video, I started to work on chords. Like go from the I chord, and goes to V chord, like leaving home, and finally came back to the I chord. Then my improvisation style turned into Cannon style, with few varations.

The forth day, I watched more Youtube videos, then I knew the circle of fifth, using it to build passages and repeat themes. It’s quite cool, because it’s a good way for repetition. And actually I can remember many classical music uses circle of fifth, and produces quite beautiful sound.

Finally the fifth and sixth day, I wanted more and more Youtube videos, and know how to implement modulation to make the piece more interesting. I was trying to think about how I’m going to develop this piece, what is the thing that really want to get accossed to.

And one interesting thing I found is that, I’m the superuser of the music I’m improvising, there are certain rules to follow, following these rules, and see what interesting stuffs we can make, the infinate possibility really fasinates me a lot.

Another thing I find is about creativity. When I’m improvising, I only focused on this moment, excluding stuffs realted with chords, most of it does not need much problem-sloving. But when I’m faced with a programming problem, I’m actually seeking the results, I don’t care too much about the process, I’m too eager to get the problem done, which always lead to anxity when facing uncertainty. I really want to change my way of programming, but I’m still not sure how to find out a way of my own.

Two Months Back In China

It has been nearly two months since I came back from Japan. At the first several weeks, days were miserable for me, I sort of felt reverse culture shock. Things like changing credits, and renew my residential card really bothered me, because staffs in public service positions lack knowledge about their workflow, along with their ignorant attitude.

Also, I don’t get into my living environment so much, I found myself lose common topics with my friends before I came for exchanging, because I changed so much during my exchange year, what we cared about now is different ( Actually most students just worry about whether they can go to the graduate school ). Another thing that frustrates me is that there is no exciting stuffs liking technology meet ups, life is quite boring for me.

At the first month, I haven’t touched any stuffs on music, also not composed a single music piece. I really want to compose music pieces that are made from deep heart, but things are I can’t connect short music ideas into a whole piece. I’m sort of a perfectionism, who always want to make a perfect piece, but feared to take the first step make pieces that are not perfected done.

It’s always to really put aside time to do things that we really want to do. At one hand, there is no deadline, we have plenty time to do it, but ends out spending much more time on Facebook, rather than our indeed goals. At another hand, we are afraid to face the fact we are not perfect, the first few pieces must not be of good quality, there must be a progress. Because in our education system, imperfect is “bad”, perfect is “good”, and we don’t want to be “bad”, we want to be “good”. But time passes by, we end out doing nothing, which is really bad thing for our innate goal.

Recently, I’m realizing that I’m procrastinating too much. Last year, I’m planning to build my own blog, but actually not until one week ago, I started to learn Jekyll, use Sass to make beautiful layouts, write my first post, and all these only cost me one day!

It’s time for changing now! I gradually accept that I have to experience the process of knowing nothing, constructing “bad” stuffs at the first period.

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About Me

I'm a university student in the last year, also a web developer. I love exporing cultures, learning languages and making BGM music!